


you make me feel

by Aquariusgarbag



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Doctor AU, Doctor!Sam, M/M, Mutual Pining, Security guard!Bucky, fuck buddies, with feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2020-03-30 00:13:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19030825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aquariusgarbag/pseuds/Aquariusgarbag
Summary: Dr. Wilson is not in love with the hospital’s asshole security guard. Definitely not.





	1. prologue

“Hey asshole”

“Doctor,” Bucky handed Sam a cigarette. Sam was against smoking, he lit the cigarette anyway. 

“Ugh good God!” Sam inhaled. 

“Good day at the office, honey?”

“Don’t even start, Barnes.”

“What time you get off?” Bucky rubbed the 5 o’clock shadow on his cheek and looked out towards the hospital entrance, seemingly uninterested in Sam’s answer.

“Only six more hours to go.” Sam had been here for ten.

“I get off at 7. Meet you at yours?”

“Do you want me to die of exhaustion?”

“Do you mean do I want to murder you with my dick? Because yes.”

“Jesus, okay Amanda Bynes.”

“Who?”

“Whatever, see you then.” 

“Sweetheart,” Bucky did a little salute with his prosthetic hand. Sam did his best to scowl. Bucky stubbed out his cigarette and went back to his station by the front desk. If he didn’t look so good in his security vest Sam would have a much healthier sleeping schedule.

“Fuck.” Sam exhaled smoke and tried not to think about how he was in love with his fuck buddy.


	2. One

Sam got home at 8:30 am. He hadn’t slept in 24 hours. He looked like shit.

“Morning, beautiful.” Bucky stuck his head out from the kitchen. As the smell of bacon and eggs hit him Sam thanked God Bucky was so good at breaking into his apartment. Sam thought about just giving him a key, but quickly remembered the deer in headlights look Bucky got when Sam had suggested a movie instead of sex and dropped the idea.

“Thanks, Buck.” Sam couldn’t repress the smile on his lips.

“Well, I don’t actually want you to drop dead. Need ya’ to keep your strength up.” Bucky had the happy-shy look on his face he got whenever he did something non-assholish. It was Sam’s favorite look.

Bucky had changed out of his uniform and into a t-shirt and sweats. It made him look soft, like his whole body was asking to be touched. Sam knew from experience with Bucky to ask though.

“Yeah, what do I need my strength for? You want me to do anything for you?” Sam tried to sound flirty and sexy, instead of groggy and tired.

Now Bucky got the bad-shy look on his face, not one of Sam’s favorites. “Not today, doll, sorry.”

“You never need to apologize for not wanting me to suck your dick.”

Bucky gave a derisive laugh.

“Really, Barnes, don’t apologize. When I stop loving sex with you I’ll let you know.” Sam wished he could tell Bucky what else he loved, that he didn’t have to reduce it to sex.

Bucky relaxes a fraction. “Eat your goddamn bacon, Wilson”

“Sir, yes, sir.” Sam thought sometimes the only reason Bucky allowed any relationship with him was because he was a fellow veteran. Bucky wasn’t as close to any of the staff, besides maybe Shuri, who was his personal doctor, responsible for his state of the art prosthetic as well as his job.

“You know, you’re a regular housewife, waiting with food on the table for your man.” Sam said through a bite of perfectly cooked bacon. Bucky relaxes farther and tries to hide his blush. 

Bucky ducks his head and takes a bite of toast. He has what looks to be half a loaf of bread worth of toast on a plate along with four eggs for himself, Sam doesn’t understand how he keeps his waist so trim and tight but he isn’t complaining.

Sam is starving and Bucky is a good cook so breakfast doesn’t last too long. Sam thinks it’s sweet that Bucky waited to eat with him but chooses not to say anything. 

When they’re both finished, Bucky gets up and begins to put the plates away.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“What’s it look like? You can get some shut eye while I finish up.”

“That can wait, come on I’ve been thinking about it for hours.” Sam made a pouting face he knew turned Bucky on.

“But sweetheart,” Bucky says with his hand on his heart, fake surprised “I thought you were tired!”

Sam sighs and takes his shirt off, watches the resolve to be an asshole dissolve from Bucky’s face. Sam knows what it takes for him to maintain a six pack, not to mention all the squats he does.

“Alright, doll, if you’re sure.” Bucky picks Sam up, wrapping Sam’s legs around his waist. Sam melts a little bit as he’s carried into the bedroom. 

Bucky sets him down on the bed gently and kisses him. It may have only been a week since they last kissed, but Sam feels like a man in the desert who just found a drinking fountain. Bucky seems just as desperate for it, he runs his hands tenderly over both of Sam’s sides, the prosthetic slightly colder, but both leave a trail of goose bumps.

Finally they break apart and Bucky begins to unbutton the jeans that Sam had changed into after work. Sam doesn’t move to undress Bucky, knows if he wants to be naked he’d prefer to do it himself. 

Bucky throws Sam’s pants across the room. He sinks down on his knees, sits between his thighs, runs his deft fingers over them.

“Fuck, sweetheart, your legs are gonna kill me one day, swear to God I’m gonna look at them and combust.”

Sam’s cock is already aching by the time Bucky touches it. He takes it in the firm grip of his right hand and strokes it a few times, looks at it like it’s explaining the answer to the universe.  
Then he opens his mouth, sticks out his tongue, and swallows Sam’s dick whole.

“Oh Fuck!” At times like these Sam is thankful he has his next door neighbor refuses to use his hearing aid.

“Mmmm” says Buckiy, teasingly.

“Jesus Christ, Jesus H. Christ!” Sam cants his hips up involuntarily, his hands gripping the bedsheets hard. “Can I touch your hair?” Sam manages to get out.

Bucky gets off his dick long enough to nod, then goes right back. Usually Bucky likes when Sam touches his hair, had even admitted it, but Sam always made sure to ask.

Sam runs his hands through Bucky’s soft hair, grips it near the root.

“Mmmm” says Bucky, aroused.

“Jesus, I’m not gonna last long.”

Bucky pops off again, this time long enough to say “Come, come on, I got all day.”

“Jesus, you’re really going to kill me, huh?” Sam comes down Bucky’s throat with a groan. Bucky moans back. 

Bucky goes to the bathroom to spit, comes back with with a warm washcloths. He wipes Sam down and turns down the sheet, pushes Sam under it.

“Now do you want a nap?”

“Mmmm” says Sam sleepily.

 

Sam wakes up at 5 p.m. He feels refreshed in a way he hasn’t in a week, in a way only Bucky can make him feel. He yawns, stretches, uses the bathroom, then goes looking for the other man, it wouldn’t be the first time Bucky skipped out without a goodbye.

Sam finds him in the living room, reading one of Sam’s books. He feels warmth fill him up. 

“Hey, asshole” he says because he can’t say ‘Hey asshole, I love you.’

“Hello, sleeping beauty.” Bucky doesn’t look at Sam, continues reading James Baldwin.

Sam sits down next to him, rests his head on Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky still doesn’t look at him, but gets a completely relaxed expression on his face, another one of Sam’s favorites. Bucky leans into Sam’s side, a rare occurrence. Sam feels like a shirt fresh out of the dryer.

Bucky finishes the chapter, sits up, stretches like a cat and gives Sam a sidelong tiger like smile. “Ready for round two, Wilson?”

“I’ve been ready, Barnes.” Sam says with false bravado, they both know Bucky can take him apart, turn him into a mess of want.

“Alright, Wilson. Alright.”

They go back to the bedroom. Sam isn’t as young as he used to be but he’s ready to go again, aching for it in fact. Bucky lies him down on the bed again, face down this time. He reaches into the bedside drawer where they keep lube and condoms. Bucky warms the lube on the palms of his hand then liberally applies it to Sam’s hole with gentle circles. Sam moans and Bucky gets the happy-shy look on his face again. Sam can’t see it.

Bucky works him open carefully, getting Sam even harder in the process. By the time Bucky has three fingers in him Sam is desperate for more. 

“Oh God, come on Buck, please!”

“You sure, doll, I don’t want to hurt you.”

It’s this kind of behavior that makes Sam call him an asshole, Sam thinks. “Yes! Yes! You’re not gonna hurt me, please Buck, hurry up. I’m ready!”

Bucky grins “Alright, baby, if you need it so bad.”

Bucky pushes his boxers and sweatpants down to his knees, he doesn’t fully remove any of his clothes. He lines up with Sam and pushes in.

“Oh Jesus, angel!” It’s Bucky’s turn to be overcome now. “Jesus!”

Bucky leans forward so ghat he can kiss Sam’s neck as he pushes in further. Sam turns into the bed aching more then before, as every other thrust hits him just right. They both moan as Bucky finally pushes in his full length.  


Bucky leaves a trail of kisses from shoulder to shoulder, Sam shivers, feels heat pool in the pit of his stomach, feels the heat travel all the way to his toes. Bucky readjusts their positions, lifting Sam’s hips slightly, giving Bucky room to handle Sam’s cock.

“Oh my God” it takes one, two, three motions and Sam is coming again, this time whiting our for a second. 

Bucky pulls out and turns around, facing away from Sam who’s spread out and panting. He finishes himself off without looking at Sam or requesting his touch. Sam tries not to be hurt. He respects Bucky’s boundaries, wouldn’t cross them for the world, but deep inside longs for something, anything, to make him apart of Bucky’s release. He wants more than anything to just hold his hand, but knows the request would just embarrass Bucky.

He wonders, not for the first time, if the only reason Bucky is with him is because he doesn’t ask foe things like that. He hopes desperately there’s more to it than that, hopes Bucky finds the sex as special and fulfilling as he does. Hopes Bucky feels as safe in bed with him as Bucky makes Sam feel. He hopes but doesn’t dare ask.

They both spend a few minutes on the bed just breathing. Finally Sam gets up, goes to the bathroom for a much needed shower. He steps under the warm water, but can’t relax. He can here Bucky leaving the bedroom, making an exit.

Before he can stop himself, Sam is out of the shower. He almost slips and eats linoleum as he runs out of the bathroom.

“Where are you going?” He tries to sound nonchalant, but thinks the running naked make that impossible.

“Oh, uh” Bucky says articulately.

“You can stay, you know.” Sam wants to punch himself in the mouth.

Bucky looks startled, doesn’t say anything for a beat too long.

Sam tries to fix his major fuck up. “I owe you breakfast is all.”

“Okay.” Bucky says.

Sam looks stunned, Bucky looks stunned at himself too.

“Okay!” Says Sam trying to repress a smile. He fails, a huge grin spreading across his face. 

“Okay.” Bucky repeats. They’ve been reduced to one word between them and Sam is fine with it.

“I’m going to finish my shower. Okay?”

“Yeah, Alright, Wilson.” Bucky is looking somewhere left of Sam’s shoulder.

Sam nervously goes back to his shower, tries to make it quick, tries not be think about coming back to an empty apartment.

Sam gets out and dries off. He changes into an army medic t-shirt and flannel pajama pants. He tries not to think about how quiet the apartment is. Sam leaves the bedroom and walks to the kitchen. It’s perfectly clean, but empty. He drinks a glass of water and tries to keep his mind empty. 

It’s not working. He knows not to push Bucky, he should have just shut up, now he might have lost the only kind of relationship Bucky let him have.

Sam walks into the living room forlornly. He’s startled by the figure sitting on his couch reading.

“What the fuck are you smiling at?” Asks Bucky looking up from his book.

“Nothing, Barnes, nothing.”


	3. Two

Bucky left Sam’s apartment elated, with a belly full of pancakes. That feeling lasted until he got home and started to think.

Bucky thought Sam was too good for him. Knew he was. Sam was a doctor, handsome, not to mention the most compassionate person Bucky had ever met. Bucky, on the other hand, considered himself a grade A fuck up. Bucky knew he was wasting Sam’s time, knew Sam deserved someone better, knew the only reason they were together at all was because Sam was too kind, too generous. 

Not to say Bucky didn’t take advantage, he wasn’t that good. He was going to spend every minute he could with Sam. Every minute until Sam wised up.

He had to be careful though. Sam had put up with a lot from Bucky, God bless him, but there was only so much a man could take. He couldn’t let Sam see that even cheesy movie violence made Bucky ill, that eating meat left him shaking, that innocuous words made him have an out of body experience. 

Bucky knew he couldn’t let Sam see how fucked up he was.

That’s why Bucky couldn’t let what happened last night ever happen again.

Last night had been perfect. Amazing sex, Sam was always so good about asking Bucky before making a move, never complaining, never pushing. And then the next morning! It was like something out of Bucky’s dreams. Sam had gotten up before him, Bucky walked into the kitchen and saw Sam, shirtless, covered in pancake mix, flipping a perfectly cooked pancake onto a plate and handing it to him. That plus fair trade coffee and real maple syrup! Bucky thought he’d died and gone to heaven.

But Bucky knew he couldn’t let it happen again.

Miraculously, Bucky hadn’t had one of his usually nightmares the night he stayed over, but he couldn’t risk it. No matter how beautiful Sam had looked in the morning. 

Bucky valued his relationship with Sam more than just about any other, even if Sam thought of it as just sex. Sam had already put up with so much from him. 

The second time they had had sex had been one of Bucky’s bad days, Bucky didn’t realize how bad until Sam had unbuttoned Bucky’s pants and he had burst into tears, paralyzed with fear. Sam had been so kind, so gentle, so fucking sweet about the whole thing it set Bucky’s teeth on edge. Didn’t Sam know he could have anyone? Didn’t he know he deserved the best?

Bucky hoped Sam did know. That this relationship was just a matter of convenience. Bucky hoped that someday soon Sam would get to be with the man he wanted.

He couldn’t stop himself from dreaming he was that man though. Imagining that everyday could be like Monday. That they could spend every day together. That Bucky could cook for Sam after a long shift, make sure he was getting enough sleep, take care of him. That their books could be mixed in together, Bucky’s trashy sci-fi paper backs next to Sam’s hardcover classics. That they could always take turns making breakfast.

But Bucky knew that was asking too much. 

Bucky stopped thinking and got up from bed. His own bed. Alone.

He didn’t work today. Today might not be as good as yesterday but it could be good. Would be good.

Would be good if Bucky could stop pining over Dr. Wilson for five minutes. 

Bucky thinks he fell in love with Sam the first time he saw him. 

It was his first day as a security guard at the hospital and he was being given the grand tour. He was happy to have a job, really happy and thankful to Shuri, but. Still. Something about wearing the uniform, the bulletproof vest and military style pants and combat boots. Carrying a gun. It put him in a bad mood. So he acted like an asshole. It’d been five years so Bucky could admit it. He’d walked—correction, barreled— into an elevator Sam was in, slammed right into him. He hadn’t said sorry, hadn’t said anything, just glowered at him. And Sam, beautiful, beautiful Sam had just given him this look. They rode the elevator down in silence, Bucky’s tour guide standing awkwardly in the corner. And then Sam had gotten off the elevator, shoulder checked Bucky hard enough to make him lose his balance and said ‘excuse me.’ What a man! Bucky was afraid of himself with a gun, but Sam didn’t give a shit. Had demanded respect. Yeah, Bucky think he fell in love right then.

Bucky took the bus to his therapists office.

Therapy was, therapy was well, therapy. Bucky knew he needed it. He didn’t necessarily like it.  


His therapist, a woman Shuri had recommended, was alright. Great in fact. But! She made him talk about his feelings. Bucky hates talking about his feelings.

One point of contention between them was Sam. She wanted Bucky to tell Sam how he felt. Bucky kept trying to explain why this was a bad idea but she just wouldn’t get it.

She repeats herself today, she says “Bucky, your feelings of worthlessness are not based in reality, and people don’t need to do anything to “deserve” a good relationship, besides which, it’s not up to you to decide what your friend ‘deserves’ if he’s happy with you shouldn’t you accept it?”

Bucky glowered. Therapy was not going well today.

After therapy was the grocery store. Bucky liked to do errand on prearranged days otherwise he felt too overwhelmed, he had once gone weeks without doing his laundry, just thinking about it had made him panic. A schedule was one good idea his therapist had had.

Bucky kept getting distracted at the grocery store. Each little thing sending him into day dreams of a life with Sam. He saw the same brand of coffee Sam used and imagined making it for him in the morning, bringing it to him in bed, getting a kiss as a thank you. He put the soy milk he liked in his cart and thought about Sam knowing he preferred it, picking some up for him. He decided he had gone completely over the edge.

He knew he needed to do something about him and Sam. His therapist had finally convinced him of that. He couldn’t keep torturing himself with fantasies of a life together. Bucky was either going to have to tell Sam how he felt or stop fucking him.

Bucky started crying in the middle of Whole Foods. This wasn’t the first time this had happened. God, thought Bucky, Sam deserves better.


	4. Three

Bucky had just left Sam’s apartment.

He had left with a goodbye, with a kiss and a ‘see you later’. He hadn’t snuck out while Sam was asleep or in the bathroom, he hadn’t skulked out immediately after sex was over. They had woken up together, he’d seen the early morning sun hit the side of Bucky’s face, watched him stretch and yawn like a cat, and turn over to sleep again. They’d had pancakes together, Sam hadn’t even burned any. It was perfect.

The night before hadn’t been perfect, but it had been close. They’d sat together, Bucky reading and Sam watching TV, he’d even caught Bucky paying attention to the results of the Great British Bake Off. They had another round of amazing sex and then had drifted off, Bucky practically on top of Sam like the worlds sexiest weighted blanket. Sam had fallen asleep easily too, none of his normal anxiety stopping him. 

The only thing that made it not perfect happened at 2 am. Sam was woken up by whimpering. Bucky was huddled up on the far side of the bed, making scared little noises. He was still asleep. Sam had his share of nightmares and flashbacks, the worst of them involving Riley, his heart went out to Bucky. He didn’t know the full story of Bucky’s time in the army, but he knew it had been capital ‘B’ Bad, knew some shady shit had gone down. Sam had approached carefully, he was never afraid of Bucky when he was awake but startling a traumatized, highly trained 190 lbs man was never a smart move. Sam spoke soft, comforting words and rubbed Bucky’s back, the same way his mom had done for him when he had first gotten home. 

Eventually Bucky had seemed to calm down, had gotten quiet, appeared to be deeper in sleep. Sam had kissed his temple and fallen back to sleep himself, this time with his arms wrapped around Bucky.

Bucky hadn’t said anything about it the next morning. Sam had almost told him, let Bucky know that he understood, that he got nightmares too, that for years he couldn’t go to sleep without a drink or a pill, but then he’d looked at Bucky so happy and at ease and had decided not to risk it.

Sam cleans up the kitchen, Bucky had offered to do the dishes, but Sam had said no, thinking that Bucky had already cleaned his kitchen once. Now washing a fork alone, Sam regrets the decision. What he wouldn’t give for another minute with Bucky, soft and happy, looking at Sam like he meant something.

The next time he sees Bucky is two days later at the hospital. They’re both working the night shift, it isn’t very busy thankfully. Sam does his rounds—a man with a broken arm, Mrs. Ito back again with pneumonia, new parents with a baby with an ear infection. After he checks on his patients, makes the guy laugh, talk to Mrs. Ito about her grandkids, reassures the worried parents, Sam stops by Bucky’s security desk.

“Hey,” Sam says, he can’t help his smile.

“Hey,” Bucky says, clipped.

Sam stops smiling. “Nice too see you too.” 

“I’m busy.” Says Bucky. The waiting room is empty, the other security guard is playing a game on his phone. Sam can see the pulp novel Bucky had been reading on the desk.

“Yeah, you’re really busting your ass.” Sam treads fearlessly onwards, he’d missed Bucky “Take a smoke break with me.”

Bucky rolls his tongue around his mouth, bites his lip, looks at a spot to the right of Sam’s ear.

“I thought you wanted me for my body, here you are using me for my smokes.” Bucky says.

Sam laughs. Bucky grunts at his partner which apparently means ‘cover for me, I’m taking a smoke.’

They stand outside together a little ways away from the door. Bucky hands Sam a cigarette, lights his own. Before Bucky can pass him the lighter Sam leans in, lights his off of Bucky’s cherry. Bucky makes eye contact for the first time that day. Sam stands up. Bucky exhales a stuttering breathe.

“I wanted to talk to you about something.” He says. Sam begins to feel nervous, wanting to talk is unlike Bucky.

“Okay...what about?”

Bucky looks anywhere but at Sam. He doesn’t say anything for a minute, ashes his cigarette intently.

“I just ugh,” Bucky inhaled deeply, exhales smoke buying time. Looks around the parking lot like it’s going to tell him something. “Ugh, you busy tonight?” He asks finally.

“I mean, I’m working.”

“Oh right. Yeah. Me too.” Bucky looks like he wants to run back inside.

“After work I’m free.” Sam feels odd. Normally Bucky’s the one arranging things, and he usually acts, if not suave, close to it, not the awkwardness Sam had just witnessed. Sam feels anxiety begin to creep up on him.

“Oh. Yeah. I’ll, see you then, yeah?”

“Yeah, okay. 8.”

“Okay.” Bucky almost does run back to the entrance.

‘Oh shit’ Sam thinks.

Whatever Bucky had wanted to talk about hadn’t been good. Now all Sam has done was postpone it.

“Shit.” Sam says

 

Bucky gets inside, locks himself in the bathroom.

Bucky calls Shuri. He normally wouldn’t want to bother the little wunderkind so late at night, but he thinks this constitutes an emergency.

Shuri picks up right away, she was probably up tinkering on a soon to be life changing device. Typical. 

“Hey, ugh, I think I need to stop seeing Sam.”

“What? Why?” Shuri was team tell Sam how you feel and date him. Bucky didn’t know why he’d even called. Oh because Shuri was the smartest person he knew, right.

“Because. Now how should I do it?”

“Because! Because! James Barnes that is not an answer. Did he do something?”

“God no!” Bucky says aghast. How can anyone think Sam would do wrong? “I just, I just—I don’t think it’s healthy, to, to almost have him but not get to completely. It’s tearing me up.”

“Well, Okay, have you talked to your therapist about this?”

“Yes.” Bucky lied.

“And she thinks it’s a good ideas?” Shuri sounds skeptical.

“Yes.” Bucky lies again.

“Well I still think you should tell him how you feel. Especially if you’re going to end it. What have you got to lose.”

“My dignity.” Says Bucky.

“Bucky, I’ve seen you dance, you don’t have any dignity.”

Bucky laughs. Stops feeling like he’s about to explode.

“I’m not going to tell him how I feel. I can’t.”

“Then you’re an idiot.” Says Shuri.

“Yeah, I know.”

“Just don’t do it after sex. That’s the worst thing you can do.”

Bucky things about the dick appointment he just made. “Okay I won’t.” He lies to Shuri for the third time.

“Alright,” she sounds skeptical again. “Take care of yourself Bucky.”

“I’m tryin’”

 

Sam hears a knock on the door, he knows it Bucky, even if he’s uncharacteristically late.

Sam answers with an awkward “Hey, come in” Sam’s still on edge about their not-conversation earlier.

Bucky gets through the door and is immediately on Sam, kissing him desperately. Sam staggers back, grips Bucky by the waist. Bucky licks Sam’s lips, asking to be let in, Sam opens up. They kiss passionately in the door way.   
They break apart long enough for Bucky to drag Sam into the bedroom. However, as soon as they enter Bucky’s anxious look from earlier comes back. He sits on the very edge of the bed, stares at his hands in his lap.

“What’s the matter, Buck?” Sam asks softly.

“I—“ Bucky looks up at Sam, then quickly back down. “Nothing.”

“You sure?”

Bucky licks his lips nervously, looks straight ahead of him. “Do you ever want to top?” He’s asks. 

‘Oh’ Sam thinks ‘that’s what this is about.’ 

“Bucky,” Sam says “I told you I’d let you know if I wasn’t satisfied. I’m totally—“

“I know, I know, that’s” Bucky gulps, “not why I’m asking. I, ya know, I was thinking about it. Have been thinking about it.”

“Oh. Have you done it before?”

“I. Yeah, a long time ago.” Bucky still looks anxious but he’s speaking definitively.

“And you really want to?”

“Yeah, with you, just once, please.” Bucky’s looking up at him again. His eyes are so big.

Sam’s heart feels like its growing and breaking at the same time. “Of course, baby.” Sam normally doesn’t use pet names, that’s normally Bucky’s thing.

Bucky makes a choked little sound. 

Sam walked up until he was standing between Bucky’s legs. He leaned down and kisses him tenderly, let his devotion show in a way he normally tries to hide. Bucky closes his eyes.

Sam puts his hand on the back of Bucky’s neck. “Is this okay?” He asks.

Bucky nods. His eyes are still closed.

Sam guides them down so they’re lying side by side on the bed. The same bed they’d fallen asleep on, the same bed Bucky had had his nightmare on. Sam strokes Bucky’s hair, puts a loose strand behind his ear. Bucky shivers. 

“Are you sure?” Sam asks again.

“Yeah.” Says Bucky. “He looks into Sam’s eyes. I really want to. I just—can we, umm, take it slow.”

“Course, Bucky of course, I’ll take good care of you.” Sam would take a thousand years if that’s what Bucky needed.

Bucky gives a shaky smile, leans in, kisses Sam. It’s sweeter this time, less frenzied. Sam relaxes into the kiss. They kiss and they kiss and they kiss. Sam’s heart is aching, he wants to make this good for Bucky.

It’s Bucky that eventually breaks them apart. Bucky who reaches for the lube and condoms, hands them to Sam with a shy look. It’s almost but not quite his happy-shy look. Sam takes the lube and condoms but ends up just putting them down. They’re both still fully dressed. Socks and everything. 

“Can I?” Sam asks.

“What?” Bucky looks dazed. “Oh. No, I got it.” He starts to unbutton his work pants, takes off his boxers. He throws them across the room, takes off his t-shirt next. Also throws that. Sam decides to remain clothed for now.

“Okay.” He says, looking nervous.

Sam refrains from asking if he’s sure again. He coats his fingers in a generous amount of lube. The first fingers goes in easy.

“Oh!” Says Bucky. He’s biting his lip again.

“How’re you doing?” Sam asks.

“Just great, doll. You’re doing just great.” He gives Sam a smile.

Sam smiles, the pressure in his chest easing a little. He pumps his index finger in and out of Bucky, his other hand on Bucky’s cock, following the same rhythm. Bucky pants. He adds another finger.

When Bucky’s prepped enough Sam asks “You want to be on top?”

“I always gotta do the work, huh?” Bucky says with false confidence which he quickly loses. “Yeah, sweetheart, that’d be good.”

Sam takes off his clothes, moves so he’s sitting in the middle of the bed, propped up against the headboard. He’s so hard he’s aching. It’s not that he’d lied before, he was completely satisfied with their sex life, it that this feels like it means something. Like Bucky’s letting himself be vulnerable, like he trusts Sam enough to show that side of him. It’s a good feeling. Sam rolls the condom on. 

Bucky climbs on top, straddling Sam. He looks right into Sam’s eyes, he’s smiling but Bucky’s eyes show a sadness. Before Sam can question the expression Bucky sinks down onto his dick.

“Oh my God, oh my God.” Sam says. It has been a while since he’d topped, just an occasionally one night stand before Bucky had come into his life. The feelings overwhelming, Bucky’s soft and tight against him. So, so warm. He feels connected to Bucky in a whole new way. “Oh my God.” He says again.

“Yeah, doll, just like that.” Bucky tells Sam, like Sam is doing anything, like Sam is even in control of his body at this point.

Bucky’s sunk all the way down now. Sam takes a moment to think ‘Oh my God, I’m in him, inside those hard abs is something soft letting me in.’ Then Bucky starts to move and Sam loses the ability to think.

 

Bucky hasn’t done this for a long time. A long, long time. Back when both his arms were flesh and bone. It feels good, he’d forgotten it could feel this good. He’d wanted to do it with Sam for a while now, honestly since the first time Sam asked if he could touch his hair, but the timing had never seemed right. But now’s his last chance. Shuri was right about one thing, what has he got to lose?

Of course the answer is everything. He’s about to lose everything. Give up everything. Give up this, the feeling of Sam inside him. But he has to, it’s what Sam deserves, someone he can have a life with, someone who deserves him.

Bucky’s hand is on Sam’s chest. He can feel Sam’s heartbeat, strong and steady, a little fast as Bucky continues to grind down onto him. He loves Sam he can admit it to himself if not to Sam. That’s why he has to do this. He keeps telling himself that. 

He’s panting hard now. Each movement he makes hits his prostrate just right, sending shivers down his spine. Heat pools in his belly. 

“You feel good, sweetheart?” He asks Sam, judging from his blown pupils the answer is yes.

“Mmm, yeah Bucky, yeah you feel so good. Always make me feel so good. Can I kiss you?”

Bucky answers by pressing their lips together with ferocity. Bucky closes his eyes. He feels tender inside and out.

Sam comes first, with a warning “Buck” and a long groan that makes Bucky’s stomach feel like a fire pit. Bucky climbs off of Sam gingerly, begins to turn around.

Sam, still out of breath, says “Can I?” And his voice sounds so small, so pleading that Bucky could cry. 

Bucky swallows. This, in his grade A fuck up head, feels like a bigger deal than Sam fucking him. He nods his head. “Alright, sweetheart, alright.” He’d give Sam anything he asked for tonight.

Sam takes Bucky’s cock in his hand with what feels like reverence. He finds a smooth rhythm quickly, one that makes Bucky sees stars. Sam looks into Bucky’s eyes the whole time. Bucky comes, spills over Sam’s strong hand, tears leaking from his eyes. 

“There you go, there you go, you’re good, baby, I got you.” Sam whispers into Bucky’s side as Bucky collapses into him. Their legs are tangled together, their chests pressed into each other. Bucky has never felt closer to another person, never trusted anyone more. Bucky kisses him again.

 

Sam and Bucky lie down beside each other on the bed, both breathing heavily. 

“That was am—“

“I think—“ They say at the same time.

“You first.” Sam says, a contented smile on his face.

Bucky swallows. He’s looking at the ceiling. His expression has gone completely blank. “This was good, but I think we should stop seeing each other.”

Sam’s blood goes cold, his smile drops dead off his face.

Bucky gets up, puts on the clothes he’d thrown around Sam’s bedroom.

Sam distantly hears his front door close.


	5. Four

Bucky sat at his desk feeling miserable. 

He’d been feeling miserable for five days. As it happened, it had been five days since he’d broken it off with Sam, apparently rudely breaking up with the man of your dreams made you sad. Go figure. Since then Bucky hadn’t been sleeping or eating well. His nightmares had gotten worse, food had lost all its taste. The little things that used to make his day brighter, petting a stray cat, his favorite songs, hadn’t been working. All he could think about was Sam. Every beat of his heart went Sam, Sam, Sam.

He hadn’t seen Sam at all. He missed him so much, Buck thinks he’d give his other arm just to look at Sam again. Their schedules, which Bucky had not been stalking, were supposed to overlap yesterday but Sam had switched with Dr. Maximoff. Bucky didn’t know how Sam was doing. He wished he did. He hopes Sam is okay, hopes Sam knows Bucky didn’t do it out of malice, that he didn't because Sam deserves better than he can give. He hopes Sam’s over it by now. He has to be. Sam can get another fuck buddy in his sleep, he’s the most handsome man in the world.

The thing is Bucky knows how Sam gets when he’s sad. He knows Sam has seen some shit, knows he’s lost people. Bucky knows how to make Sam laugh when he feels sad, knows how to make sure Sam’s getting enough to eat, knows how to make Sam take a goddamn nap when he needs it. ‘God, I miss him. God, I fucked up.’ Bucky thinks for the millionth time.

Bucky has spent five days of being absolutely miserable. That had made his reasons for breaking up with Sam seem dumb, almost like Shuri was right. But Bucky didn’t think this was a mistake he could make right. He’d broken up with Sam with no explanation right after sex. He knew Sam deserved better than that. Maybe his reasons weren’t so dumb.

Bucky argued back and forth with himself until Shuri came by his desk and dragged him away. Coincidently Bucky had been avoiding Shuri for five days.

“You’re an idiot.” Shuri often begins conversations this way.

“I know.” Bucky says

“You need to fix this.” Shuri says.

“I can’t.”

“You can and you will. I know your oblivious but Sam was really into you, he’s been moping for a week. He yelled! Sam never yells.”

“Who’d he yell at?” Bucky will fight anyone who gives Sam a reason to yell.

“Bruce, he took the last brownie in the cafeteria.”

Bucky will fight almost anyone who gives Sam a reason to yell.

“The point, Barnes, is you need to talk to him. Have a real conversation, like an adult.”

“I can’t. I really fucked this up.” Bucky looks at the ground with great interest.

“You’re going to—“ Shuri is interrupted by her pager going off, she runs across the hall.  
“Talk to him, Bucky.” She yells behind her.

Bucky knows he should talk to Sam. He knows that’s what’s reasonable, well adjusted adult would do. Bucky knows he’s not going to talk to Sam.

 

Sam is lying in bed feeling miserable.

It’s his day off. Normally he would have gone for a run, would be out running errands or cleaning his apartment by 10:30, but not today. Not for the past week. Not since Bucky walked out of his life.

Sam doesn’t know what he did. Did he push too hard? Did Bucky somehow find out about Sam’s feelings for him? Had he scared Bucky off? He doesn’t know. He had been so careful. He’d tried not to show anything. All he knows is for a glorious second things had seemed perfect, he had made love to Bucky, had thought he could maybe convince Bucky to stay the night again and then—like that—it was gone. It was all over. A few words and a closed door. Sam doesn’t know what he’s going to do.

He feels like he did after Riley died, not the same level of grief, but the same lack of will. He doesn’t feel up to doing anything, wants nothing more than to stay lying in bed. He doesn’t want to eat, can’t sleep, feels like all he can do is lie down and feel terrible. He knows tomorrow he’ll have to get up, that tomorrow he’ll have to walk past Bucky in the hospital, but today he indulges his sadness and does nothing.

He misses Bucky so much. He wishes he could see him without being seen by him, he doesn’t want Bucky to know how fucked up he is over this break up. He’d traded shifts so there wouldn’t be a chance Bucky would see him, but he can’t do that again tomorrow. He wishes now he had just told Bucky how he felt, if it was all going to end anyway, he wishes he had been able to feel the words ‘I love you.’ come out of his mouth and into Bucky’s ears.

Sam gets to work the next day exhausted, despite staying in bed most of the day before. It’s an effort to get dressed, an effort to get to the hospital, an effort to have any semblance of bedside manner. Most people notice but thankfully don’t comment. The only coworker who does is Shuri, the perky wunderkind, current enemy of Sam Wilson.

“Dr. Wilson,” Shuri calls after Sam in the hallway. Sam pretends not to hear her. She’s catches up to him anyway. “You look like shit, Doctor.”

“Thanks.” Sam deadpans. He doesn’t know Shuri very well, only knows she’s a genius who helped Bucky tremendously. Knows that she’s the reason Bucky was hired, the reason he met Bucky, the reason his heart is currently shattered. He’s a little put out.

“I need to talk to you about Bucky.”

“Is he okay?” Sam immediately fears the worst.

“He’s terrible, I’ve caught him crying at work twice. He knows he fucked up, you just need to talk to him.” Shuri, who is a very good friend, says.

“What do you know about it?” Sam asks. Hopefully nothing about his sex life, he thinks.

“I shouldn’t be the one to tell you.” Shuri says. “Bucky’s working today, too, why don’t you go down to security and talk to him, just for a minute.”

“No way, he made it pretty clear what I mean to him. I’m not a doormat. If he wants to talk to me he can find me.” Sam gets in the elevator and makes sure the door shuts before Shuri can follow him.

“Ugh, men!” Shuri yells. She scares one male nurse and gets an agreeing nod from an elderly female patient.

 

Two hours later Sam is just finishing his rounds, when he gets an alert on his pager ‘EMERGENCY RM 301’ it reads. Sam stops the paperwork he’s doing and races there.

He runs into room 301 and finds no emergency, just a smug Shuri and a confused looking Bucky.

“You think you’re real cute, huh?” He asks her.

“I know I’m cute.” Shuri answers. “Smart too.” She runs out of the room and locks the door behind her.

“I didn’t put her up to this, I swear to God.” Bucky says, he’s looking anywhere but at Sam.

It’s the first time Sam’s heard Bucky’s voice in a week. He’d missed it so much, it makes him feel weak in the knees. “Yeah.” is all he can manage to say.

“She wants me to talk to ya. That why she did this.” 

“Yeah.” Sam says again, voice breaking.  
Bucky finally looks at him. “Sam, sweetheart, I’m so sorry, I—“ He makes an aborted reach for Sam.

“Don’t do this, Barnes. I don’t need your pity or Shuri’s—or, or.” He stops himself because he sounds pitiful to his own ears.

“Sam,” Bucky says and he sounds so sad it makes Sam look up at him. “I—you deserve to know. I, listen, I know you deserve better, sweetheart, that’s why—I just. I—Damn it, Wilson, I love you and I kn—“

“You asshole.” Sam says, he looks stunned. “You absolute asshole.” He grabs Bucky and pulls him into a deep kiss.

“I, Wilson, you deserve—“ Bucky is breathless, he keeps touching his lips reverently.

“Shut up, Jesus, I love you too, dumbass! I’ve loved you since the first time we had sex.

Bucky finally smiles. “I beat ya, sweetheart I’ve been in love with you since the day we met.”

Sam kisses him again. 

“Your place, later?” Bucky asks when they finally break apart.

Sam nods. Bucky goes over to the door and starts banging on it. Shuri answers.

“Are you two back together yet?” She asks. They both smile. “Oh good. Thanks for not having makeup sex in there, I already know too much about your sex life Wilson.”

 

After they both get off work Sam drives them back to his apartment. 

“How’d you want me Buck?” Sam asks between kisses in the hallway.

“Doll, I want to take you apart, wanna make you feel so good sweetheart, show you how sorry I am.” Bucky kisses Sam again, hungrily.

“I love you.” Sam says and it feels so good to say that Sam can’t remember what had stopped him before. “Love you.” He says again for the sheer joy of it.

“Love you too, sweetheart. I love you too. So much.” Bucky smiles as he kisses Sam. He looks happier then Sam has ever seen him.

They eventually make it to the bed. 

“Lie down for me, sweetheart.” Bucky says. Sam lies on his back. “Other way, first, doll, want to eat you out until you scream.” That sound good to Sam so he rolls over. “There you go, honey.”

Bucky undresses Sam with tenderness. Bucky kisses Sam with tenderness. Bucky licks Sam open with tenderness. Sam feels like a bruise he’s so tender. Bucky licks him open until Sam is panting chanting a half incoherent litany of “I love you, feels so good, baby I love you...”

When Sam is wet and open beneath him, Bucky starts to open him up with his fingers. He goes slow at first, very gentle, until Sam is begging “More, more, more, harder, Buck please.” 

And Bucky is saying “Alright, doll.” And giving it to him harder. Sam feels warmth travel from his toes up his spine. He’s so, so happy Bucky sticks another finger in him and hits just the right spot and Sam stops thinking. Bucky smiles.

 

Bucky turns Sam around so they’re facing each other. He kisses Sam, then doesn’t stop kissing him for a long time. When they break apart they’re both short of breathe. Bucky takes his clothes off, puts them neatly over the back of a chair, Sam watches him intently and Bucky tries not to be self conscious, he’s ready for Sam to see all his scars, inside and out.

Bucky puts on a condom, applies lube to himself and Sam. He lines himself up with Sam and pushes in. Sam wraps his legs around Bucky’s waist and they both groan. Bucky feels so, so happy. They come together.

Bucky lies down next to Sam. He doesn’t feel his usual urge to flee, to not be seen. “I love you.” He says again. It feels good to say.

“I love you too.” Sam says. “Stay?” He asks.

“As long as you’ll have me. I’m not going anywhere again.” Bucky answers. He feels lighter than he has in years.

“Then you’re not going anywhere.” Sam says, smiling. They both drift off into dreamless sleep.

 

They next morning Sam wakes to find himself alone in an empty bed. He feels dread crawl over him. ‘Shit, shit, shit.’ He thinks. He practically runs out of the room.

“Hey,” Bucky says from the kitchen. “You’re outta pancake mix. Oatmeal alright?”

Sam has never been happier to eat oatmeal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is just a fluffy epilogue. Thanks to everyone that’s read/liked/commented


	6. epilogue

“Hey asshole,”

“Doctor,” Bucky greeted his husband at the door of their apartment with a kiss. 

“I was supposed to make dinner tonight.” Sam says as he enters the apartment and smells dinner on the stove.

“You’ve been working too hard.” Bucky says as he leads Sam by the hand into the kitchen.

“Have not.” Sam lies. 

“Have to. That’s why tonight you’re gonna take it easy and let me take care of you.” Bucky says with a devilish smile. He rubs Sam’s shoulders. Sam groans.

“You’re going to kill me, Barnes.”

“Barnes-Wilson.” Bucky corrects “And I’ll settle for putting you in a dick induced coma.”

“Fuck.” Sam says and kisses Bucky deeply. He’s so glad he fell in love with his fuck buddy.


End file.
